I Don't Know What To Do

It's hard to be perfectly honest when you yourself find that sometimes the things you think are just plain mean. I really need to control my thoughts better. I'm losing control and i find myself arguing with myself whether or not i'm being a total bitch or what i'm thinking is reasonable.

I hate it when my brain kicks into overdrive and i'm thinking about all the things i think you're thinking about when i can't sleep. It does not help at all. I'm losing my mind!!!

Another thing i feel like ranting about, the awkwardness. Don't you absolutely abhor the awkwardness that exists after something happens between friends of a group. And suddenly, the group is forced to pick between the two. Conversation pieces that used to thrill in turn, become taboo. And you find yourself constantly stopped mid sentence by your own brain screaming that you can't go there.

ARGHHHHHHH.

Why is it so hard to be friends again? Yeah, i get it. Believe me. I do. Something between you. BUT DON'T YOU SEE IT'S KILLING THE GROUP? :( I hate events that we used to go to together but now someone needs to find another group to go with cause it'd be too weird sitting at the same table. It sucks. So much.

And frankly, i'm sick of it. Yes, i know i should be prepping myself for SPM and putting my insomnia to good use. I doubt that's gonna happen. I've been listening to this song for about 2 hours now. Maybe it's too soon. I'm rushing things? Oh gosh. Am i? Maybe i'm not ready.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh self doubt is not what i need right now at this particular moment in time.

Note to self: Pay Karan and pass tickets.

I have bad memory. I mean, really bad memory. I have trouble remembering what i did earlier in the day. Mom says i'm just lazy but i resent that cause there are some pretty important stuff i know i need to remember and it's imperative that i do. So the next possibility would be... stupidity? It's definitely a more likely reason. :P

Hence, i am always writing reminders anywhere. Explains my often tainted arm or hand or table or wall. Scribbling in my planner. Writing things down just so i'll remember the next day. hahaha i think my brain is deteriorating really quickly for a 17 year old.

Everything's so much more complicated when you're right there in front of me. :(((((( i'm feeling whiny. ahahahha i'm sorry. When that happens, it's hard for me to write well.

Oh right. CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER!

Derek, you got into Trinity. That is really awesome. :D Proud of you!

For all of you guys who aren't done with exams yet, SHOULDER TO THE WHEEL! :D

And for all of you who ARE done with your exams, BURN YOUR BOOKS. :DDDDDDD

aih susahla for me to not be emo.

steff.