All At Once

I need to know that this feeling will pass. That maybe one day i'll wake up and not think of you. Not even a little. I'll be able to get through a conversation without thinking he always said that. I'll have my insomnia without having to wonder whether or not you're awake. I'll hear my message tone and my mind and heart doesn't jump hoping it's from you. I won't remember things you've said when i'm where we were. I won't think of you when i'm reading poems or doing english literature. I won't remember all the corny things you've said just because you had to say it. It's taken a long time but it's finally fading. A big part of me is so relieved. But there will always be that little part of me that will want to remember. I'm getting there. It's so close now. But i'm starting to doubt whether or not it's what i really want.

Twice

Please type 'bleepz' into the box.

kthxbai

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luv.

I Don't Know What To Do

It's hard to be perfectly honest when you yourself find that sometimes the things you think are just plain mean. I really need to control my thoughts better. I'm losing control and i find myself arguing with myself whether or not i'm being a total bitch or what i'm thinking is reasonable.

I hate it when my brain kicks into overdrive and i'm thinking about all the things i think you're thinking about when i can't sleep. It does not help at all. I'm losing my mind!!!

Another thing i feel like ranting about, the awkwardness. Don't you absolutely abhor the awkwardness that exists after something happens between friends of a group. And suddenly, the group is forced to pick between the two. Conversation pieces that used to thrill in turn, become taboo. And you find yourself constantly stopped mid sentence by your own brain screaming that you can't go there.

ARGHHHHHHH.

Why is it so hard to be friends again? Yeah, i get it. Believe me. I do. Something between you. BUT DON'T YOU SEE IT'S KILLING THE GROUP? :( I hate events that we used to go to together but now someone needs to find another group to go with cause it'd be too weird sitting at the same table. It sucks. So much.

And frankly, i'm sick of it. Yes, i know i should be prepping myself for SPM and putting my insomnia to good use. I doubt that's gonna happen. I've been listening to this song for about 2 hours now. Maybe it's too soon. I'm rushing things? Oh gosh. Am i? Maybe i'm not ready.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh self doubt is not what i need right now at this particular moment in time.

Note to self: Pay Karan and pass tickets.

I have bad memory. I mean, really bad memory. I have trouble remembering what i did earlier in the day. Mom says i'm just lazy but i resent that cause there are some pretty important stuff i know i need to remember and it's imperative that i do. So the next possibility would be... stupidity? It's definitely a more likely reason. :P

Hence, i am always writing reminders anywhere. Explains my often tainted arm or hand or table or wall. Scribbling in my planner. Writing things down just so i'll remember the next day. hahaha i think my brain is deteriorating really quickly for a 17 year old.

Everything's so much more complicated when you're right there in front of me. :(((((( i'm feeling whiny. ahahahha i'm sorry. When that happens, it's hard for me to write well.

Oh right. CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER!

Derek, you got into Trinity. That is really awesome. :D Proud of you!

For all of you guys who aren't done with exams yet, SHOULDER TO THE WHEEL! :D

And for all of you who ARE done with your exams, BURN YOUR BOOKS. :DDDDDDD

aih susahla for me to not be emo.

steff.

To The Stars

:D Audio update! :D

Steff.

It Does Not Get Me Going At All

Hey guys! I'm a bit miffed cause it turns out the next QTI i can take will be in the first week of November cause my instructor will be away for the next 2 weeks or something. :/

I was so looking forward to getting it this month since my renegade is finally ready and out of the workshop. :D there's going to be an off-road experience going on in borneo and me and dad are probably going to join in for the first stretch of the journey. Just for fun. We'll be going through the jungle. :D in my renegade. Wooo. It's going to be happening sometime around the 25th.

A day after installation night. I'm not quite sure if i'm going just yet. Still thinking about it. Hopefully i'll get to go. :)

Halloween's this month but this year, there's going to be an interchurch prayer meeting at Kyrugma house. All are welcome and together we're gonna pray until the roof lifts off a little. :D so come join us. It's gonna be awesome.

Supposed to have an english literature exam tmr but i haven't been feeling well today. So i'll have to see how i feel tomorrow and hope that all goes well.

:D
lub steff

Don't Come Any Closer

Ahhhhhh i love this group of idiots. :D HAHHAA Check out this video please. Please? :3

LINK HERE. :DDDDD GOOOOOO

ahhaahah this really made my day. It was so awesome that i felt the need to blog today. So thank you for being the catalyst of this end product, guys! Love love love you guys to bits. Sucks that you're leaving on Sunday, Danileeee. No time for another l4d session or another video, maybe? Uggghhhh but it was so good to have you back. Even if it wasn't that long. Fine.. it was too long. hehehe LOVE YOUUU. HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT TO SING TO THE POOR. :/

EXAMS ARE OVERRRRRHHH. WHUT UP. OH it feels good. But so unproductive. :( hahaha i know. i know. First, i complain about my exams being torture etc etc. Then i complain after my exams are done about me not being productive and bored. I suck.

And also, i'd like to apologize to someone i've hurt recently. I had no idea you had a problem with that and i feel like such a douche. UGH i'm sorry!! :( i love you. good luck with your exams. :(

Frustration. We all go through it. It's just how we deal with this frustration. I have issues when it comes to dealing with things. Is today get mad at steffi day? Or is today my piss everyone off day? Cause i feel like, well it isn't brilliant but, suck today.

Thank you guys for that video. I know it isn't targeted for me but it was awesome. :)

After i'm done with my exams, my friends are just starting. Or they're prepping for spm. Or going back to sing to the poor. Or they just don't want to see me. But then i don't think i can consider them friends, can i? heh heh. :|

yeah. I've been watching a lot of old movies at home. And i hate how Ryan Reynolds is married to Scarlett Johansson. :( i want to bercyber with danile, justin and david. Or pool with derek. :( i miss them.

HAHAHAH i just got a message from Justin. AHHAHA WELL, POTONG STEAM LA. I know right. booooooo. ahhahahha ahhaahahah i'm talking to twong and yemeh. <3>

ahhhh jamie's gone to the bathroom. SHE'S BACK! :D

Do You Hear Me?

Question: Joel: Why do you blog? (via blog post)

Aim: To investigate why i blog.

Materials: 10 Fingers, thoughts, Backspace key.

Apparatus: Laptop.

Procedure:

1. Fingers are used to apply pressure to the keys of keyboard and type out this stupid Chemistry experiment based post.

2. Thoughts about how you came to blog are recorded and chemistry books on the table are ignored.

3. Go through archives and draw up a basic general classification of blog post.

4. Observations are recorded.

Observations:

Previously i did a whole excel about blog posts and what they were about and how many of them were written in the year 2009 but the table failed to copy and i malas. Sorryyy.

The results can easily be seen if you're a frequent reader anyway.

Discussion:

1. My friends and how i miss them and what they make me feel and things we do. I like to document things(feelings, things i do etc.) because i have terrible memory. This same reason is why i keep a detailed planner of things i do and distinct things that happened that day. I probably wouldn't know who i was if i lost my diary and my blog was magically deleted or something.

2. Photos. Photos have been lacking because of the rate of upload. It's freaking slow. :( and i get very frustrated but i put photos cause i want people to see what i see sometimes.

3. Vent. I vent a lot. I can be a very angry person and I need an outlet that won't hurt people's feelings. Well, i try not hurt people's feelings through my blog. But i don't know if it works. It's just a way to deal with issues.

4. Crap. I talk crap a lot. When i'm typer or when i'm feeling happy. It's just who i am.

Conclusion:

I blog because i feel the need to be heard and seen. Call it attention seeking or whatever you like. But i think i just need to feel like i exist and that the things i feel and do and hear are real. I need my friends to remember me. Not the me that you think i am after 10 minutes talking to me but who i am what i stand for andddd the rest. I'd like to think that after 30 years. I'll be able to tell my hypothetical children what i used to do when i was their age without any errors. I'll be able to remember my friends. The ones who made my life my life.

I am very emo person oh? :D hahahahhahhah bah. Not a very well done experiment though.

Time We Spent Together Was Never Quite Enough

I'm in trouble. Spm forecast exam is starting on wednesday and to be perfectly honest, i'm not prepared at all. I've been trying. But nothing's going in. Kinda pisses me off. This is a really important exam. After this, i'm practically on holidays. Honest.

I drank the root beer you gave me for my birthday, karen! :P finally.

I miss dreaming. I dreamt this morning, in that one hour. I'm not one for telling people about dreams of mine. But it was a really nice dream. I was sitting with my best friend on his roof. And we were just talking. He was telling me how i'm worrying too much about so many things then we walked to the park and sat on our see saw. The park isn't wasn't what it is now but what it used to be like when he was still around. We threw around that stupid tennis ball he used to carry everywhere. And i felt so safe and at home after wandering around trying to find my way for so long. Thanks for resuscitating me again.

Thanks for talking some sense into me. I really miss you. I don't think i'll stop missing you. Keep watching over me if it's not too much trouble. :') you made my week.

steffi. <3